I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
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Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.