[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 饾槍饾槤饾槍饾槞饾槧饾槢饾槒饾槓饾槙饾槑 all up
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5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I鈥檓 hungry, can I have some lunch now
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I鈥檓 afraid they鈥檇 make me into a lampshade
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what鈥檚 causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
It was my daughter鈥檚 turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry鈥HRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON鈥橲 GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that鈥檚 not what I said
If you attempt to rob a bank you won鈥檛 have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he鈥檒l kill me if i do
me: you鈥檙e making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Don鈥檛 go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
my kid can鈥檛 remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going