me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no