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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.