It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”