*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me