just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.