Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
This is me 🤣🤣
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
🗽
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.