Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Time heals everything 🙂
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
LMAO.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.