Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
The options really are this bad
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.