The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
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HOW DARE YOU
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
when you are just born a rebel
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?