mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
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I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
do what now??
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
it is time once again
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake