Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
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Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail