Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.