me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.