Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.