Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
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Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.