Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
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The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.