Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…