Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
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Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
God has abandoned us.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.