Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
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Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory