Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
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I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Oh no
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.