Mike is short for Micycle
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This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
それは草
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
How does someone manage that 🤨
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.