Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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mariah carrie
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
knights of the ikea table
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Same post same
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder