My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.