Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

😤😤

emergency phone

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm