My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 馃槀
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Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I鈥檓 white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Wife: I鈥檓 leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it鈥檚 because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Of the 4 people living in this house, I鈥檓 the only one who didn鈥檛 immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
When people don鈥檛 drink coffee, it鈥檚 like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Apiarist: Don鈥檛! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My right hand: I鈥檒l hold these three Trader Joe鈥檚 bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.