my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?