my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.![]()
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
The three genders
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flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore