My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me