My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
You Might Also Like
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Peace was never an option
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.