My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I have obtained a hat
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car