As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle