My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
You Might Also Like
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*