I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*limbos away from your hug*