i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.