“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them