Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth