Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
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Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I’ve been learning to cook.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”