Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Grandmother clock.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can