Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
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Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
What if the weather talks about us?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Guy who likes music
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.