Not today.. 😂
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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Fluff me with a fork baby
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant