Not today. 😅
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how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Van Gone
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is