If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
You Might Also Like
Feels like the fourth month in January
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.