Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I told my vodka about you.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then