Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Basically.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
accurate
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.