One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
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Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball