[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Thank you corporation very cool
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Good morning, Twitter x
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”