*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.