Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
*serious situation*
My brain:
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Air conditioning – not a fan
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.